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Welcome to my page!

Relationships are a core component of happiness. When we struggle in relationships, everything else can feel harder too.

I'm Michal Goldman, LCSW, a trauma-informed relational therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. I specialize in helping couples at pivotal points: those who are unsure if they should stay together, those seeking deeper emotional and sexual intimacy, and individuals working to heal relational wounds.I approach therapy with deep compassion, evidence-based methods, and a belief that change is possible even in the most painful places. Drawing from interventions which have been proven to work, I tailor the work to meet your unique needs.I invite you to reach out if you're seeking greater clarity, connection, and healing.

And for the nitty gritties about my credentials...

I'm a licensed clinical social worker in New York (license # 092547). I specialize in couples therapy, relationship challenges, and discernment counseling.I have conducted extensive postgraduate training in emotionally focused therapy (which is often considered the gold standard treatment for couples work because of its high success rate and lasting results after treatment ends).
I have additional advanced training in internal family systems (IFS), sex therapy, solution focused therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and discernment counseling. The therapeutic approaches I use are supported by research and have been shown to help individuals and couples reconnect and heal and experience meaningful change quicker.I consider myself a lifelong learner, and am constantly increasing my skill set to help you in the most effective, evidence-based ways possible.My goal is to help you increase clarity, and give you tools to communicate more deeply, heal past wounds, and build more loving, secure relationships.

Relationships are hard work; intimate relationships even more so!

You want to improve things, to stop the fighting, miscommunication, distance, and lack of intimacy, but it can oftentimes seem like you are getting stuck in a spiral and are not able to break out of it.

Your relationship can improve with couples therapy

Couples therapy is a time to interrupt the negative patterns of interactions, develop a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner, and build new positive cycles in your relationship.
Through this process, you'll learn new ways to communicate and resolve differences.

marriage counseling can help you learn to

- Communicate more effectively
- Feel more seen, heard, and understood (and do the same for your spouse!)
- Handle conflict in a way which leads to beneficial solutions (and not more distance and resentment)
- Improve your sexual relationship
- Build greater intimacy
- Heal past wounds from your relationship

Emotionally-Focused therapy (EFT)

I primarily use EFT when working with couples because of how impactful and healing the work can be.
EFT has been proven effective through decades of research and practical application, and the benefits usually last long after graduating therapy. Research outcomes according to a meta analysis show that 90% of couples who participate in EFT report improvements in their relationship, and 70-75% move from distress to recovery.

To learn more about EFT, click the link below for an excerpt from a book by the founder of the model, Sue Johnson:

• Read here

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Frequently asked questions

I have a great relationship with my spouse, and would just like to work out something specific. Is couples therapy still for me?

Absolutely! There are times when people come to therapy as a last-ditch effort to save the marriage, but that is not the only time couples therapy is useful.
Couples therapy can be extremely beneficial for couples who have a strong, beautiful relationship, and would like to work through specific areas to make their relationship even better.
In fact, therapy can feel smoother and yield quicker results when you are coming in simply for a tune up.However, regardless of why or when you are coming, I use evidence-based practices which have proven results.

How often should I come to therapy?

The research on the efficacy of therapy has shown that the consistency of once a week sessions creates the framework for the most effective therapy, and allows us to build on each session.
As clients see progress, we often begin to taper down on therapy, doing biweekly or monthly before graduating.

How long will therapy take?

Ah, the million dollar question :)
The amount of time you spend in therapy depends on many factors, including the reasons for coming, how rigid the dynamics in your relationship are (for couples therapy), and what other factors play into the challenges you want to work through.
With that said, my hope is that after 6-10 consistent sessions, you should be starting to develop more clarity and see progress.For discernment counseling, which is 1-5 sessions, therapy is shorter and progress is likewise more condensed.

Where will we meet?

I offer in-person session in Queens, or virtual sessions throughout New York.

What is your fee?

My session fee is $200 for individual sessions, and $225 for couples sessions.Many couples who work with me prefer extended sessions, and find that they make progress quicker when having more time to process and resolve challenging dynamics.
If you would be interested in a longer session, please contact me so we can discuss what will be best for you.

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Are you or your spouse considering divorce?

Oftentimes in thinking about such a change, one partner is more interested in divorcing, and the other wants to work through the challenges. Discernment counseling is a chance to slow down in a very stressful period, and take a look at your options for your marriage.

What is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling helps you gain clarity on whether to try to restore your marriage to health, move toward divorce, or take a pause to make a decision later.The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.This is not the time to solve your marital problems, but to slow down and see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. THERE ARE NO bad guys and good guys!You will come in to discernment sessions as a couple, but the bulk of the work will be in one-to-one conversations, where I will meet with each of you individually.Discernment counseling emphasizes the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends.

If you are thinking about divorce:

Discernment counseling can help you gain more clarity on what has happened in your relationship until now, and allow you to more fully explore the different options.

If you are trying to save the marriage:

Discernment counseling can help you identify the changes you can make to have the best chance and saving and improving your marriage.

How do we know if discernment counseling is right for us?

Discernment counseling is tailored towards a very specific category of couples, where one partner is interested in working on the relationship, and one partner isn't sure if they want to stay married.
If both partners are fully committed to doing the work, traditional marriage therapy is the way to go.
On the flip side, if one partner is 100% convinced that they want a divorce, discernment counseling is not the right choice. (However, even slight uncertainty can make you a good candidate for this work!)
Discernment counseling is not meant for situations where there is active violence or coercion.

How long is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling is a very short term therapy lasting 1-5 sessions. The first session is 2 hours, and subsequent sessions are 90 minutes.
During each session, some of the time is spent with both of you together, and some is individual work.

What are your rates?

The first 2 hour session is $425, and the subsequent 90 minute sessions are $350.

Is discernment counseling worth the investment?

Couples who engage in this work, regardless of the outcome, share how worthwhile they found the process to be.
Partners who decide to work on their relationship at the end of the process find that work to be much more effective after going through discernment counseling.
Those who decide to divorce report that discernment counseling gave them much more closure than they would have had otherwise, as well as giving greater clarity on the things they each contributed to the dynamics in this relationship (which helps prevent those patterns from repeating themselves in future relationships).

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Something is causing you to feel stuck

Maybe you are struggling with anxiety, maybe you are having challenges in relationships, maybe you are dealing with changes in your life. One thing is clear: you want things to be different, to show up differently, and you aren't sure how to go about that.

I've helped adults struggling with

- Anxiety or depression
- Transitions (moves, relationship changes, job changes)
- Relationship challenges
- Being emotionally open in relationships
- Ambivalence or uncertainty in relationships
- The impact of past experiences
- Wanting to better understand parts of themselves

You have the wisdom inside of you

Our work together will be about supporting you, based off of your current circumstances and needs. Through our work, I will help you access and cultivate your inner resources.

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Dear Therapist,

We’ve been together for ten years and love each other deeply, but we feel stuck in the same frustrating patterns. No matter what we try- books, podcasts, long talks- we keep circling back to the same issues. We’ve decided it’s time for couples therapy, and while we’re hopeful, we’re also nervous.
We’ve heard stories of therapy making things worse for couples, leaving them feeling more disconnected or misunderstood. We don’t want that to happen to us, but with so many therapists out there, it’s overwhelming to know where to start. What should we be looking for in a couples therapist, and how will we know we’re in the right hands?

Response:

Deciding to find a therapist is a big step, and it can often feel hard to choose a therapist. It sounds like you’ve looked at other ways to improve your relationship and have decided that therapy is the best route. Marriage counseling can be incredibly helpful and help you build a deeper, stronger, more secure bond where you can work through painful, disconnecting patterns.

Engaging in marriage counseling means that you are bringing a third party into your relationship. When another person is coming into your life in such an intimate way, there is a huge potential for healing. At the same time, like in life in general, the bigger the potential for healing, the bigger the potential for harm. Therefore, it’s important to choose a marriage therapist carefully.

There are some things which I see as non-negotiables in finding a couples therapist (and most of these apply to individual therapy as well):

Firstly, couples therapy is different from individual therapy, and therapists work differently with couples and individuals. Individual therapy is about the specific client, and couples therapy is about the bond between two people. It’s important that the therapist has specific training in a couples therapy modality, and is experienced in working with couples.
It is also vital to find a therapist who prioritizes continued learning, and will continue to hone in their skills.

Additionally, the relationship between both of you and your therapist is considered one of the most critical keys towards growth in therapy. Try going to the clinician a few times, and see if you feel comfortable with and trust and respect them.

It’s equally important that you both feel respected and valued by your therapist. Therapy is a vulnerable process, and you’ll be able to explore yourself more openly when you feel accepted and genuinely liked by your therapist.

In addition to the above-mentioned qualities, different therapists have different styles. However, no effective therapy will include shaming. Part of the process of couples therapy may be noticing how each of you are contributing to the challenges, but it should be done with understanding and compassion towards both of you.

Supervision

The last thing that is non-negotiable is that the therapist you are working with receives regular supervision. This is crucial because it protects you, as the client, from potential inadvertent harm by your therapist. Supervision safeguards you from any unintended negative impacts, because in supervision, your therapist is checking themselves to make sure that they are giving you the best quality of care and that they are not inadvertently putting their own feelings or priorities onto you.

Contrary to common misconception, supervision is not limited to new clinicians. In truth, many therapists consider supervision to be part of being an ethical therapist, and the most skilled clinicians continue receiving peer or other supervision throughout their careers.

Another aspect is that a therapist who gets supervision is probably a more humble clinician. It is important to find a therapist who has a combination of competence and humility. Without the therapist exhibiting humility, therapy can easily feel like you are not being understood, taken seriously, judged, or dismissed. It takes humility for a therapist, who has years of experience, to acknowledge their own humanity by continuing to check their work with another therapist.

Finally, the very fact that a clinician voluntarily invests in ongoing supervision when it is not required, and is a professional investment which often goes unnoticed, is a sign that the therapist has a genuine dedication to their clients' well-being and growth.

When you are searching for a therapist who receives regular supervision, there are a few points to keep in mind.

First, even if you find a clinician through a referral which indicates that the therapist receives supervision, it’s still best to ask the therapist directly. Just because they used to get supervision doesn’t mean that the therapist is actively utilizing it at the exact time that you are reaching out to them.

Next, it is essential to understand how often the therapist is getting supervision. Is the therapist only getting supervision informally from a friend once every few months, or is it regular and ongoing? If the therapist is getting ongoing supervision, it can give you some reassurance that they are continually checking in on their work, and making sure that their blind spots aren’t getting in the way of providing the best care.
(To anyone reading this column, if you are currently in therapy and haven’t yet asked, it is always okay and recommended to ask your therapist if they are getting supervision! Feel free to blame it on this article:).)

The ideas listed above are some of my suggested guidelines for choosing a therapist. However, even if you have a therapist who checks all the boxes listed above, they still may not feel like a good fit. There are many differences between clinicians and approaches, and some will feel better or worse for you. Notice what feels comfortable for you, and explore until you find a good fit. Furthermore, if anything feels wrong at any point during the treatment process, it is crucial to discuss it with your therapist, and that in itself may lead to further growth. Additionally, consulting with other therapists or people who are well-versed in the therapy process who you trust is always an option if you’re feeling uncertain.

Going to marriage therapy is a big step. With these points in mind, my hope is that it will be a very helpful, connecting experience for both of you!

Dear Therapist,

I generally have a great relationship with my husband. Recently, however, I’ve been going through a rough patch at work. I’ve been noticing that when I vent to my husband, he starts out very supportive but ends up getting overwhelmed pretty quickly. I've started to feel hesitant to share anything with him, and instead find myself telling him that everything is fine all the time, even though it feels wrong to me. What is the best way to go about this?

Response:

It sounds like you feel stuck between wanting to share and be supported, and shutting down emotionally so as not to overwhelm him. What a tough place!
I would like to help you and your husband find a way of connecting that feels mutually satisfying and provides security for both of you. It's so normal to, like you said in the question, go to what we call in therapy "all or nothing thinking", which means thinking along the lines of either I continue doing what I'm doing, or I stop sharing at all. However, the solution usually lies somewhere in between.

I have a few questions for you to think about to better assess the dynamic in these situations and increase clarity about next steps.

Firstly, when you vent to your husband, what does that look like for both of you? Do you start talking as soon as you both have a minute? Do you only speak at night, or when the kids are out or sleeping? Do you have some alone time prior to conversations? Do you check in with him about his day and then share, or start sharing first? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but they are important to keep in mind because oftentimes, spouses have differing preferences and expect their partner’s preferences to be the same.

Secondly, I wonder what it means when your husband gets overwhelmed. Does he agree that he is overwhelmed? Sometimes we can think that our partner is feeling one way, when in fact they have a very different perspective. If that is the case, then I would like for you to both come to more clarity on what is happening in those moments. If it turns out that you are both on the same page, I'd like you to pinpoint what makes you notice that he is getting overwhelmed. Does his body language or tone of voice change? Slowing down by identifying subtle shifts can help you decide when to share, when to check in, and when to hold off for another time.

However, what is more important is how you perceive your husband's overwhelm.

When people's behaviors impact us, we create meaning about them, the situation, and ourselves. For example, if you are walking down the street and slip on a wrapper, the meaning can be: "someone was so irresponsible to throw this on the floor" (about the other person), "This neighborhood is so dirty" (about the situation), and "I'm so clumsy" (about yourself). The meaning we create in all 3 of these areas contributes a lot to our responses. In the example I gave, these meanings can lead to feeling angry or tiptoeing down the rest of the block. It sounds like you are thinking about not sharing with your husband at all. I wonder what meaning you created around him being overwhelmed, if that plays a role in the conclusions you are thinking about, and how you can challenge those meanings.

Lastly, it can be helpful to explore your general communication patterns.

As partners, do you and your husband share minor frustrations as they come up, or hold off until things get big and then there is no way to hold it in? Do you acknowledge frustrations within yourself? Do you feel comfortable sharing with others, or does it feel like you are being a burden to others by sharing? Or, on the other end of the spectrum, do you feel like you most connect with others specifically when sharing challenges? Again, there are no right or wrong answers to any of these questions, I just want you to get a better sense of how your communication styles are playing out here.

My hope is that as you work through these questions and gain clarity, other options besides shutting down will start to come to you, and you will start to find the sweet spot for you and your husband in these moments.

Dear Therapist,

I recently got engaged to a woman who is everything I could’ve ever wanted! We’re currently in a long-distance relationship, and we have a long engagement because of our work schedules. While we were dating, I was able to visit her much more often than she could visit me because my job was more flexible than hers. However, my work will become more demanding over the next few months, so we won’t be able to see each other in person much, which means we’ll only be connecting virtually.

The issue is, I often feel awkward and not like myself on phone and video calls, and it’s starting to affect our connection. My fiancé’s mentioned that she feels the strain too, and I hate that my discomfort is making things harder. Once we’re married, she’ll move here and things will settle down, but I want to make sure we’re building a strong foundation now.
How can I get past my awkwardness and maintain a close bond with her during this time?

Response:

First of all, congratulations! Engagement can be a really exciting time, and brings with it a whole slew of challenges (and challenging feelings) as well. Add long distance to the equation, and it’s safe to say that the intensity of the feelings probably increases.

A helpful skill in all relationships, especially during stressful times, is expressing yourself openly, clearly, and effectively.

It’s common to feel less comfortable sharing more difficult feelings at this stage in your relationship. On the flipside, as both of you improve this skill, your connection will feel that much stronger.

If you’ve shared your discomfort already, kudos to you! However, the communication skill that I am advising is a bit more nuanced. If you haven’t already, start by identifying what is going on for you underneath the surface. Oftentimes, feeling awkward and uncomfortable covers up underlying fears- fear of not getting this long distance thing “right”, or fear of not being fully accepted. It can also mask feelings of sadness or frustration due to the circumstances you are both facing during such a pivotal time in your relationship. Maybe there are other feelings as well.

Once you start to have a better grasp on what is going on for you emotionally, the next step is to share that with your fiancé. These feelings and needs are very tender and it’s normal to be hesitant to share some of them. I’d recommend starting slowly, sharing a little at a time, and gauging her response.

This is an opportunity for you to establish strong communication patterns from the get go.

Just like you, your fiancé likely has her own emotional reactions to the challenges you are both facing. Even though it can be so hard to see our partner having a negative reaction to something we do, I want you to enter the conversation with curiosity, and not defensiveness, about her perspective.

Relationships are a dynamic dance, and the more you can understand each other’s perspectives, the more clearly you can see the dynamics at play between both of you. Having that clarity and understanding of each other can help your nervous systems feel more attuned, and in turn, make problem-solving much easier and more effective.

When your fiancé shares her feelings, try to make it your single-minded focus to understand her experience.

I like to think of this approach like a mirror. When you look in a mirror, you just see whatever you put in front of it, and nothing more or less. Often, when we respond to others, we process their words through our own perspective- considering if they feel true, the emotions we feel, and so on- before responding. This is useful in many situations, because it helps us evaluate and discern. However, with your partner, especially in moments of heightened tension, it can be really helpful to respond as a mirror would. Instead of filtering her words through your own feelings and then responding with explanations, trying to end the conversation, or escalation, keep your focus on simply reflecting her perspective (and extra credit if you can also express to her how you can see that her feelings make sense!).

While it might seem paradoxical, fully listening and mirroring your fiancé’s feelings helps her feel understood and comforted. This builds greater connection, allowing you both to feel more compassion, deepen understanding, and ultimately work together more effectively to solve problems as a team.

This type of conversation will probably be easier to have in person, especially because of your discomfort over phone or video. However, if travel isn’t an option now, try to figure out what mode of communication feels most comfortable to you and have the conversation there. It is also helpful to set clear intentions around what is being discussed and share feelings of connection throughout the conversation (such as “I miss being closer” or “I want to understand each other better”).

Adding Rituals

John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, emphasizes the benefits of creating rituals of connection. Rituals are consistent ways that you both consciously choose to strengthening your relationship. These can include ways that you greet each other on the phone, plan for the future, or how you express overwhelm during tough conversations. The benefit of establishing rituals in your situation is twofold- firstly, having a set ritual oftentimes reduces feelings of awkwardness, and more importantly, it can help you nurture the sense of togetherness.

The engagement period is the beginning of laying the groundwork for your marriage and creating a joint identity (in addition to your own individual identities). The challenge that you are facing navigating this long-distance phase with the discomfort it brings is also an invitation to strengthen the foundation for the rest of your lives.
The vulnerability, trust, and responsiveness that you are working to build now, along with the rituals you create, will prepare you both for a strong marriage and is the best gift you can give your future selves!

Dear Therapist,

My wife and I are struggling with household chores. I do my best to help—cooking, cleaning, managing the kids—but it never seems to be enough. She continues to say that she feels overwhelmed and at the end of the day, it all falls on her, no matter how much I do. It also feels like we’re keeping score—who did what and who did more. I’m frustrated and I want us to be a team like we used to be. How do we break out of this cycle?

Response:

Ah, the blessings and challenges of running a busy household. I presume that there are many different areas in both of your lives that you are trying to juggle. I also presume that unless you are in business together, this is probably the main shared responsibility. It makes sense that it can lead to tension.

I will divide up your question into two parts:

First that despite your efforts, your wife feels an imbalance, and second that you are stuck in the cycle of keeping score where no one wins.

To address the first part, couples often come into relationships with expectations about how things should run, because of what they grew up with. However, one person’s family of origin may have focused strongly on one area, while another person’s family prioritized something completely different. These expectations lead to frustration when they remain unnoticed. If either of you notice any feelings come up when your spouse does something around the house in a different way than you’d like it, use that as an alert to check in with yourself and identify if you have any expectations that may differ from your partner.

Mental Load

There are two parts of household chores: one is completing tasks, and one is the mental aspects of remembering to do it, asking for help with it, and planning when and how often it needs to be done. It can be that you are doing more physical chores, but less of the mental labor. If that is the case, I’d recommend you sitting down and having a conversation where you divide up household responsibilities- not by tasks, but by who is responsible for ensuring that the chores get completed. One great resource for having this conversation is Fair Play, which is a deck of cards that gamifies this discussion.

Emotional Needs

If despite trying the ideas mentioned above, you find that this issues continues to come up, it may be that your emotional needs are getting tied up in the conversations about the chores. If that is the case, it is helpful to understand what is happening under the surface as well.

I can imagine that it wouldn’t feel good to try and try and exert yourself to help, and feel like no matter how much you try, it isn’t enough. What comes up for you when you see that your wife is still overwhelmed despite your best efforts? How does it land internally when you help out while you have the feeling that it never seems to be enough? Equally importantly, what do you do when those thoughts or feelings come up for you? Do you work extra hard? Slow down in your efforts? Express those feelings verbally or non-verbally? Or simply shut down?

Similarly with your wife, what makes her feel like it falls on her? Overwhelm (like all feelings) ebbs and flows. What increases the overwhelm for her? How does your help and frustration about it not being enough impact her? And how does she respond in those moments?

Keeping Score

This leads me to the second part of your question, the fact that you both keep score. Keeping score is usually a symptom of feeling imbalance in the relationship, unacknowledged effort, or unmet expectations. From what you shared, all of those things seem to be playing a role in your situation. Like you said in your question, when couples start to keep score, it can feel like one person is the "judge" and the other is the "defendant," which creates distance instead of connection.

If you look at my list of questions to understand what is going on for each of you in the moment, you can see a theme- the chores are on the surface, and below it there can be a whole slew of emotions and needs. The goal in acknowledging and verbalizing the emotions is separating the emotions from the chores. There can and should be conversations around dividing up tasks, but it gets very hard to have productive conversations when tasks and emotional needs are conflated.

Mindset Shifts

In addition to this, there are several other mindset shifts that can help you as a couple move away from keeping score. Firstly, training your mind to move from defensive to curious will lower the intensity of tit-for-tat behavior. When you can remind yourself that you both care about each other and have each other’s best intentions in mind, you can start to be curious about your wife’s behavior instead of put on the defense.

It can also be helpful to remember that a goal in running a house is teamwork, not fairness. The goal is not 50/50; the goal is for each of you to work to your strengths and support each other.

Last, and most important, is gratitude! Noticing the ways your partner enhances your life on a regular basis (I believe partners should keep private journals where they regularly write small things that their spouse did that brought them joy) automatically takes the energy out of score keeping.

As you have experienced, navigating household responsibilities can be tricky. Through reminders that you both want the best for each other and having conversations with openness, curiosity, and appreciation, this challenge can be an opportunity to build greater connection and cultivate a stronger sense of teamwork.

When you hear the statement: “we're getting divorced”, does that mean that both partners are in agreement?

Let’s take a hypothetical couple, Joe and Rachel. They have gone to couples therapy, but despite trying a few different therapists, the therapy wasn’t gaining traction, and their relationship wasn’t improving.

Hard pause right here.

There can be many reasons for relationships not improving, but one that I always want to rule out is if the couple has differing agendas.

As a couples therapist, I often see the misconception that when couples come for therapy, they both want to work on things (and if it isn’t going well, one of the parties is at fault). In reality, it can be that both partners are coming with opposing goals (which haven’t been acknowledged). In the scenario I mentioned, Joe’s agenda may have been to do whatever it takes to salvage the marriage, while Rachel’s energy may have been focused on trying to decide what she wanted to do with the relationship, and not on the hard work of changing dynamics. Neither partner was “sabotaging” the work, they were just coming from very different places.

Just like in couples therapy, once the divorce process starts, many people believe that both partners have accepted the end of the marriage. Similarly, this is often not the case.

The research

Several studies have been done with couples who were far into the divorce process. The research points to the fact that at least one third of people going through divorce are either ambivalent or do not want to get divorced. In 2011, a research study came out with findings that about 25% of divorcing parents believed that their marriage could be salvaged, and about 30% were interested in trying to work towards reconciliation (see Doherty, Peterson, and Willoughby).

If these studies are done while people are well into the divorce process, we can imagine how many people decide to divorce without confidence about the decision. Many couples who reach this stage have one partner who is more interested in a divorce, and one partner who is less interested. Neither are certain. After all, because the effects of divorce are so wide reaching and can impact so much, it makes sense that people often approach it with hesitancy.

Many couples decide to get divorced feeling blindfolded.

Often (although not always), couples will first try couples therapy, which is geared towards improving the relationship.When Rachel comes into therapy unsure about investing in the relationship, couples therapy will be much less effective. Seeing that therapy isn’t as helpful as they would want, it may lead her to believe that in fact, there is no hope, and decide to get divorced.The tragedy of scenarios such as this is that there hasn’t been real exploration to determine if it is the right decision. Divorce is hard and painful. It is even harder without being fully confident in the decision.

Discernment counseling is a clearing between halfhearted divorce and halfhearted couples therapy.

The goals for this work are looking at yourself and your marriage to develop more clarity in a decision. It helps bridge the gap of what I call “halfhearted-ness”, so that either you decide to work on your relationship with the knowledge that you and your partner are fully invested in the work, or you feel more confident going through the process of divorce.

Let's bring this back to Joe And Rachel.

As they were getting frustrated with couples therapy, they stumbled across discernment counseling. Like many similar couples, they felt immediate relief having a name and option for what they were going through.They began a course of discernment counseling, where Rachel developed a greater understanding of the dynamics which led her marriage to this point, her role in the dynamics, and was able to look at her options through a broader lens. Joe’s experience focused on better understanding his role in their patterns and being coached on how to show up to give the marriage the best fighting chance from his end.

Success in discernment counseling

A successful course of discernment counseling isn’t about whether the couple divorces or stays together; it’s about the couple developing a greater understanding of what they each need for their own healing and greater clarity on their next steps in their relationship. Having that clarity helps couples either jumpstart their work in couple’s therapy or helps them have a more amicable, smoother divorce.

Joe and Rachel ultimately decided that they want to try to work things out. They spent their last discernment session writing a list of what they each want to work on individually to improve their relationship. Although their journey has just begun, they are entering the work with confidence, hope, and a determination to doing everything they can to improve their marriage.

Writing

I write a relationship column for The Jewish Home, and have published articles on topics including:

– Communication
– Helping couples on the brink
– Finding a therapist
– Relational safety
– EFT couples therapy
– Strategies to help in relationships

Read selected articles I've written here:

• Articles

I welcome opportunities to contribute articles or collaborate on mental health writing projects.

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Speaking

I present CEU-eligible trainings for mental health professionals through organizations approved to grant continuing education credits.Topics include:
– Maintaining Professional Boundaries During Challenging Situations
– Navigating Ethical Dilemmas in Couples TherapyMy presentations blend clinical rigor with practical application, and I maintain a strong emphasis on practical application.

I’m available to speak with professional audiences and community groups on topics such as:
– Couples unsure about staying together
– Helping couples improve their relationships
– Finding a therapist
– Boundaries, self-of-therapist work, and clinical decision-makingI combine warmth, clarity, and practical knowledge in my speeches. Courses and workshops involve participation and are largely experiential.

Interested in bringing a training to your group or organization?

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Case consultation

I offer clinical supervision and case consultation for therapists seeking support in:– Couples therapy
– Self-of-therapist work
– Navigating complex relational dynamics
– Transference/countertransference
– Developing confidence with boundaries and ethics
– Working from a relational lensI welcome early-career and seasoned therapists alike and am available for one-time consultations or ongoing supervision.

If you’re a therapist interested in working together:

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Dear Therapist,

My partner and I have a lot of fun with each other and are able to have “light” conversations, but every time we try to have a real conversation about our relationship, it turns into a fight or one of us shuts down. It feels like we can’t talk about anything important without getting defensive, frustrated, or withdrawing completely. We both want to communicate better, but we don’t know how to break this cycle. How can we have meaningful conversations without them turning into battles or leaving us feeling even more disconnected?

Response:

Communication is the heart of how we connect with others. It is so important for growing and maintaining relationships, and is equally challenging. One of the main reasons couples come into therapy is because of struggles with communication, and communication is one of the major focuses of any type of marriage therapy. The good news is that communication is a learned skill, and learning and then consistently nurturing your communication skills will help you both grow more and more connected.

The cornerstone to any productive conversation is for both participants to feel heard and understood.

Therefore, the first step for you to do is to validate your wife. The definition that I like most for validation comes from Imago therapy, which is a form of couples therapy created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. They define validation as any comment that gives over the message that the person speaking makes sense. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, it just means that if you were in their shoes, thinking from their perspective, you can understand why they would feel the way they do and come to the conclusions they come to. Your first goal in having the conversation should be to make sure you fully understand her perspective, to the point where it makes complete sense to you why she is reacting the way she is.

One of the main blocks to validation is defensiveness. Just by the fact that you wrote this letter, I imagine you are trying to do everything you can to improve the relationship and communication. Hearing complaints when you are so focused on doing the best you can can be upsetting, and often leads us to defend our perspective before fully understanding the nuances of our partner’s perspective. When you feel the urge to defend yourself, remind yourself that your first job is to fully understand her, and you will be able to express yourself after.

Once you’ve done that, the next step is to share your perspective. Explain what is going on for you, check with her if she gets it, and try to keep the focus on your feelings, not what you wish she would be doing differently. You can ask her to do the same thing you did- not defend her perspective until she fully understands it from your end.

Negative cycles

Oftentimes, in stressful situations, couples create negative cycles. During your conversation, it’s important to notice what patterns come up for both of you. What are the specific actions that you do, how does that make your wife feel, and then how does she react as a result? This is another place to practice curiosity for each other. Ask your wife what she notices when you are trying to start an important conversation, how that impacts her, and then how she reacts to you.

Here is an illustration of what a negative cycle looks like. During a tough conversation, your wife may notice you are avoiding eye contact. That can make her feel alone, and she might react by slightly raising her voice. Then, to complete the dance, her moves may lead you to feel like you can’t get this right, no matter how hard you try. Feeling that way can lead you to be less present, and therefore make even less eye contact. The case I mentioned may not be the cycle that both of you experience, but I want you to pinpoint your cycle together.

The reframe

Recognizing the negative cycle is the first step towards creating safety and connection in hard conversations. When couples are caught in these patterns, it's easy to lead to a sense of ”me versus you”. Reframing it as 'us against the cycle' allows you to stop this pattern and start to turn towards each other instead. One way to do that is by externalizing the cycle. Many couples find it helpful to name the cycle together as a way of externalizing it.

Once both of you have had conversations where you feel listened to, and you’ve taken the steps to work through the emotional dynamics at play underneath, your minds will quiet down. This happens because it is very calming to feel deeply understood, especially by our partners. An added benefit is that being in that mind state will open you up to creativity in problem solving. With this foundation, it will be much easier to start conversations, feel more productive, and most importantly, strengthen your connection!

Dear therapist,

My husband just got a promotion, which is great for us financially, but it’s been really hard on me. He’s working long hours, and when he is home, he’s drained and distracted. I feel like I’m losing my partner, but whenever I mention anything, I feel ungrateful or unsupportive. How can I communicate with him?

Response:

Having new and increased responsibilities at work is a transition, and in marriage, a transition for one partner is a transition for the relationship. Transitions create stress, regardless of whether they are positive or negative. It sounds like you are struggling with navigating feelings about the benefits of this change and the challenges involved.

I’d like to divide my response into two parts.

First I want to help you manage your feelings around this change, and then I want you to express those feelings to your husband.

What stands out to me in your question is that you’re experiencing pain over how hard this change has been, to the point that you feel like you’re losing your partner. And yet, despite how much you're struggling, you find it hard to share your feelings with the person who matters most, because you worry that doing so makes you ungrateful or unsupportive.

Internal conflict

This is important because that way of thinking creates an internal conflict. On one hand, you’re grappling with painful emotions, and on the other, you feel like acknowledging them might be wrong. I wonder how you came to that conclusion. Is it that your husband's behavior- perhaps unintentionally- has made you feel like expressing your emotions isn’t acceptable? Or is this a belief you hold yourself? For the sake of this article, I’ll assume it’s the latter, but either way, it’s something that can be explored and worked through.

Struggling with this transition and feeling a sense of loss doesn’t mean you are ungrateful or unsupportive. You can be deeply appreciative of how this promotion benefits your family financially, fully support your husband, and still find the emotional impact of this change challenging. These feelings can coexist. Although it may seem paradoxical, the more you can accept both as true- that you're struggling and that it doesn't define your worth- the easier this transition will be, and the easier it will be to have an open conversation.

The discussion

Once you accept the range of feelings that you are experiencing, you can begin working on communicating with your husband. A key foundation for effective communication between partners is compassion- both for yourself and for each other- along with the assumption that you both have each other’s best interests in mind. Compassion is crucial in conversation because it helps both of you stay off the defensive and allows you to communicate more authentically. The most effective way to extend that compassion to your husband is by first practicing it toward yourself. Can you acknowledge the challenges you’re facing with kindness? Can you assume best intentions from yourself, just as you would want to from him?

When you establish this foundation of self-compassion, you create space to express your emotions more openly. I want you to share the full range of feelings you’re experiencing with him- the excitement, the worries, the desire to support him, and even your hesitation about sharing these emotions. When you express all parts of your experience, you invite deeper intimacy into your relationship.

When one person shares vulnerably, usually, the other people start to share in the same way. You can ask your husband to share fully what is going on for him at these moments as well.

Practical strategies

In addition to what I’ve mentioned above, it's also important to have practical strategies for staying connected during times of change. When you're spending less time together, it can be helpful to find ways of connecting in bite-sized chunks. Think about what things you’ve enjoyed together, and try to schedule 5 minutes during the day to incorporate it in a small way. If you enjoy conversations, set aside 5 minutes to ask each other a thought provoking question. If you enjoy nature, take a quick walk outside together, even if it’s just around the block.

Another strategy is to increase gratitude. It is always nourishing for relationships to focus on what you appreciate about your spouse, and I’d recommend upping the amount that you do that during challenging times. This can be done by sharing what you’re grateful for or just taking a moment to acknowledge it for yourself. Regardless of how you do it, getting into the habit of focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship expands your contentment in your relationship and life in general, and increases resilience during hard times.

The more compassion you have for yourself, the more you’ll be able to use it to express yourself in a productive, connecting way with your husband, the more you’ll be able to come up with ideas to help you in navigating the change. Each of these things plays on the other, and you’ll soon be in a vicious positive cycle of connection and closeness. You got this!

Dear therapist,

My wife and I have very different relationships with our families. My family is loving but they step back and allow us to make our own decisions. My wife on the other hand is very close with her family, and they’re involved in literally everything from the details about how we raise our kids to where we spend holidays. It feels to me like they are overstepping. When I bring this up to her, she gets defensive and says I don’t like her family. I don’t want this to always be an argument, but I need boundaries. How do we navigate this without making it a constant fight?

Response:

It can be really challenging when you and your wife come from such different family dynamics. When these differences create conflict, it’s easy for the dynamic to start to feel like it is you versus your spouse rather than both of you working together to figure out a challenging situation.

The first step to navigating these challenges is to reframe the dynamic. Instead of seeing the problem as something driving a wedge between you, I want to help you view it as you and your spouse versus the problem.

At the core of your relationship is a bond of connection built from both of your strengths. The external challenges that couples face, which can range from differences in opinions about family or finances to physical or mental health challenges, create noise that clouds your connection. When you can hold onto the idea that your bond is the core and not the external noise, you can approach these challenges from a place of teamwork rather than opposition.

The gift of curiosity

Once you have that foundation in mind, you can begin to get curious about what your wife is feeling. Curiosity is essential because it allows you to explore your spouse’s inner world without judgment about them or yourself. When you approach the situation with genuine interest and openness, solutions (and more importantly, connection) follows more easily. Disclaimer: As you go through this exercise, keep in mind that what comes up for her does not reflect what you did or didn’t do.

You might start by asking yourself what meaning and emotions come up for your wife when she sees their interactions as loving and supportive, and then she sees that you are unhappy about it? Does she take that as criticism of her family? Seeing that you disapprove may feel to her like not only is her family being criticized, but that the values and identity that she grew up with are being criticized. That can easily lead her to react defensively. Is she feeling conflicted and torn between you and her family? If she has always been close to them, it might feel to her that she’s being asked to choose between you and them, which can create inner conflict. Does she feel misunderstood? Is she hearing (even if you are not implying it!) that her family is bad in some way, or that she is wrong for wanting to be close to them? Is she afraid that the outcome of a conversation will lead her to need to set boundaries, and if doing so will damage her connection with her family?

It’s equally important to do the same exercise for yourself. What meaning and emotions come up for you in this situation? Do you feel unimportant or sidelined? Sometimes when one partner regularly defends their family, it can feel like the other’s voice or needs are being overlooked. Do you feel frustrated and powerless because much of what you’ve tried to do hasn’t worked? Do you feel misunderstood? Often when our spouse is defending themselves, we can feel like there is no space where we are heard, which can increase resentment. Are you feeling insecure about your spot in your wife’s heart? If her family’s influence appears stronger to you than your own input, it can lead to doubts about your place as an equal partner.

To sum up, your frustration may not be just about the in-laws- it can be about wanting to feel like a team and equals. If that is the case, I wonder if your wife is aware of this, or if she’s reacting to the fear of losing her family instead of the actual request.

The conversation

When you have a better idea about what comes up for both of you, you can talk about it in a more meaningful way. Now you can have a conversation to understand her perspective and to help her understand how this dynamic impacts you emotionally. When you come from a mindset of genuinely trying to understand your wife’s perspective, the conversation will flow differently, and you will feel that you are on the same team.

In the conversation, when you want to discuss practical solutions, try shifting the conversation to focus on your relationship. For example, you might say something like “I know how much your family means to you, and I don’t want to come in between that. I also need us to be on the same team when it comes to making decisions for our family. What would work for both of us?”

It can also help to clarify specific boundaries that would make you feel more comfortable. These might include how often they visit, their input on parenting, or their influence on holiday plans.

The more you frame the conversation as a partnership rather than a fight, the more both of you can feel like a team working together through this challenge.

Dear therapist,

I got married a year ago to someone I truly love and respect, but I’ve been feeling increasingly unsettled after what should be simple, day-to-day conversations. It took me a while to realize what’s been happening, but I finally put my finger on it. Whenever I share something small, like how I see a situation at work or a thought about a book, my husband responds by immediately explaining his own viewpoint. He isn’t doing it in a mean way and I don’t think he’s trying to put me down, but I leave feeling dismissed, and these conversations usually end up becoming debates and arguments. He tends to double down on his view, and I’ve started avoiding more and more conversations altogether. I know he cares deeply about me, and I don’t think he means harm, but I’m worried because this dynamic is creating distance between us. What can I do about this?

Response:

Before I respond with anything else, I want to acknowledge the empathy you are showing for your husband while recognizing your own needs and discomfort. The fact that you are able to hold this balance of caring for your husband and attending to your own needs speaks to how much you value your relationship. That ability will be an important strength to hold on to as you work through this dynamic.

The main theme that I’m hearing in your question is that you are sharing as a way of connecting, and your husband (without intending harm) is responding with logic and analysis. Oftentimes people respond in this fashion as a way for them to contribute or try to be helpful. The place where this gets sticky is when the response feels dismissive or evaluated instead of helping you feel heard. When that happens, it can easily turn the conversation into something feeling more like a debate.

This kind of mismatch is something emotionally focused therapy (EFT), a model used to help couples strengthen connection, speaks to directly. EFT divides couple interactions into two parts: the content of what is being said, and the emotions and meaning-making that you each give to the situation. The content includes the specifics of the conversation, the context, and how each of you responded. The emotions and meaning-making are things that happen under the surface, and don’t usually come up in the conversation explicitly. In fact, we are often unaware of them as they are going on without a conscious effort to understand them.

One way to visualize this is like a tree:

The content of your conversations are the branches, while the emotions and meaning underneath are the roots. If we don’t understand and work through the root of the situation, more branches will continue to grow.

So what is the root for you? When you share a part of your day or your perspective with your husband and you are met with logic, it can feel like you are being evaluated and like your inner world isn’t welcome. Having that experience can create a deep sense of loneliness.

This is where attachment comes in.

From birth, we’re wired for emotional attachment (to feel seen, heard, and emotionally accepted) because as infants, we need that connection to survive. This need continues into adulthood, and as adults, people most deeply emotionally attach and look for attunement in their romantic relationships. Because of this, when attunement isn’t there, it is normal to have strong reactions.

When we don’t feel emotionally attuned to our partner, we tend to respond in one of two ways: reaching out more urgently, or pulling away. It sounds like in your case, you are starting to withdraw. It makes so much sense that you are having this reaction, as withdrawing is a way of protecting yourself when sharing feels risky.

As you are becoming more aware of your emotions and reactions, it’s helpful to become curious about your husband’s emotions and reactions in order to better understand him. For example, you can say “when you respond with logic, I know you mean to be helpful, but it makes me feel unheard, and then I pull away.” The formula to use here is connecting your underlying meaning (feeling unheard) with your behavior (pulling away). Sharing this way keeps the focus on your experience of the dynamic instead of blame. It’s best to have this conversation at a time when you are both relatively calm (it doesn’t usually go as well in the heat of an argument).

From there, you can invite your husband to share his perspective with the goal of understanding him better. You can ask him what is happening for him in those moments, and how he is hoping you will receive it. This can help you both feel more like a team and build more mutual understanding and deeper intimacy.

Finally, it can be really helpful to name the deeper need underneath these conversations. He may be approaching them as intellectual discussions, without realizing that they’re a way to connect for you. Sharing that with him can give him the insight he needs to shift his approach.

The gift in ruptures

This dynamic that you are describing is a rupture in your relationship. Ruptures in relationships are inevitable. What matters most is that they get repaired. I find it helpful to visualize your connection as a rope, with you and your husband holding opposite ends. Ruptures are like the rope being cut. However, when you can repair that rupture, it is like tying a knot in the rope. Not only is the rope fixed, it is also shorter, which means that you are even closer.

Dear therapist,

Whenever my wife gets upset, I start feeling anxious and end up freezing and shutting down. My wife keeps telling me it probably has to do with my childhood and the fighting I grew up with,
My wife believes my childhood experiences are contributing to this and wants me to get therapy. However, I'm afraid of therapy because I feel I already know the issues, and past talk therapy actually made me feel worse. I don’t want to spend months digging up the past, I just want to stop shutting down when things get tense now.

Response:

It can be really jarring when you want to connect with your wife and work through things, and then find yourself frozen and unable to engage in stressful moments. I hear in your question that you want to work through this challenge in your relationship, but struggle to see how digging up the past will help with that, especially if doing so in the past made you feel worse.

So let’s talk about a different kind of answer.

You’re right that there are many traditional types of therapy which focus on the past. Some people find that type of therapy to be helpful, but it isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. Many people, like yourself, want something more immediate and present focused. This is where experiential therapy comes in. Experiential therapies are a broad category of evidence-based approaches which include some common modalities such as internal family systems (IFS), emotionally focused therapy (EFT), EMDR, and somatic-based work. These types of therapies focus less on the story of what happened and more on what is happening for you right now.

To understand experiential therapies better, I like to use the analogy of a bruise on your arm. If something brushes up against that spot, you will feel the pain and probably flinch, even if you had the bruise for a while. Experiential therapies view painful past experiences as bruises, and they focus not on when or how the bruise happened, but on the flinching, or the specific reaction that tells us the pain is still there. From this perspective, we don’t need to analyze the origin of the bruise. We can work directly with your nervous system’s reaction in the moment, because that’s the part that’s asking for healing now.

In other words, instead of “digging” into the past to find healing, these approaches work with the emotional and physical responses that are still alive in you today and help you slow down the moment, get curious about what’s happening, and offer yourself a new experience that your body and mind may not have had before. Experiential therapy stems from the idea that insight alone isn’t enough to heal; there needs to be new emotional experiences to help your body and mind integrate safety in the present moment.

Moving back to your original Dilemma,

You freeze when your wife gets upset. Could that be connected to your past? Possibly, maybe even probably. However, you don’t have to go back and analyze your past to change what is happening now. Being curious about what is happening in the moment when you are shutting down, and slowing down to better understand it and create a new experience for your nervous system, can be what you are looking for in healing.

You don’t have to jump into therapy right away.

There are several tools that you can use which draw from experiential approaches which can help you feel more in control when the freeze response shows up, and they may be enough to shift your experience. If not, they can give you a strong foundation for doing this work with a trained therapist later on.

To begin, next time you start having a freeze response, see if you can pause and get curious about what is happening internally. Try to tune in to your physical sensations before, during, and after the freeze. Notice places where you lack any noticeable sensations as well. Some people find it helpful to do a body scan, where you focus on each part of your body from head to toe, to really pinpoint what’s happening in your body in those moments. Similarly, try to name any emotional sensations. A feeling wheel can be a helpful tool to identify emotions which are harder to label.

The purpose of all this is to slow things down. When we’re triggered, our nervous system kicks into high alert. Everything speeds up, and we move into automatic survival modes like shutting down or getting reactive. But when you name what’s happening in your body and emotions, you’re lowering the energy. You’re stepping back into what’s often called your “window of tolerance”, which is the zone where you can experience emotions without becoming overwhelmed. That’s the place where healing and new responses become possible.

Once you’ve slowed down, pay attention to the moment right before you shut down. Was there something your wife said? Did you notice a shift in her tone or body language? Was there something in your internal landscape which felt overwhelming? Is there something that you are looking for that you don’t feel like you are getting (usually things like acknowledgement, appreciation, value, and love fall into this category) right before you freeze? Often, what we’re actually longing for in those moments is something like safety, reassurance, or appreciation, and when we don’t feel it, our system shuts down. The more you can slow things down and track these cues, the more space you’ll have to choose a different response.

Once you have that extra space, you can go a step further and use this experience as a way of connecting.

The shutting down that you naturally do protects yourself, but it can also unintentionally create distance between you and your wife. If you feel open to taking a risk, try sharing with your wife what is happening internally either after or during those moments. For example: “I notice I’m starting to freeze up, and I think it’s because I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.” Doing this takes a lot of vulnerability, and when it lands, can create deeper closeness and healing for both of you.

Using these tools may be enough for you. You may find that bringing more awareness and choice to these moments allows you to shift your pattern and leads to real, lasting change in your relationship.
But if you try these practices for a few weeks and still find yourself stuck, you might benefit from doing this work with someone who’s trained to guide it. A good experiential therapist can help you feel safe, supported, and help you create lasting change.

To sum up, you don’t have to go back and relive the past in order to move forward. There are other approaches that honor the here and now, and that can feel more aligned with what you’re looking for. Whether you explore this with an experiential therapist or begin with some of the reflection practices above, there is real hope for change.