Reconnect, Revitalize, Rebuild

Welcome to my page!

Relationships are a core component of happiness. When we struggle in relationships, everything else can feel harder too.

I'm Michal Goldman, LCSW, a trauma-informed relational therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling. I specialize in helping couples at pivotal points: those who are unsure if they should stay together, those seeking deeper emotional and sexual intimacy, and individuals working to heal relational wounds.I approach therapy with deep compassion, evidence-based methods, and a belief that change is possible even in the most painful places. Drawing from interventions which have been proven to work, I tailor the work to meet your unique needs.I invite you to reach out if you're seeking greater clarity, connection, and healing.

And for the nitty gritties about my credentials...

I'm a licensed clinical social worker in New York (license # 092547). I specialize in couples therapy, relationship challenges, and discernment counseling.I have conducted extensive postgraduate training in emotionally focused therapy (which is often considered the gold standard treatment for couples work because of its high success rate and lasting results after treatment ends).
I have additional advanced training in internal family systems (IFS), sex therapy, solution focused therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and discernment counseling. The therapeutic approaches I use are supported by research and have been shown to help individuals and couples reconnect and healI consider myself a lifelong learner, and am constantly increasing my skill set to help you in the most effective, evidence-based ways possible.My goal is to help you increase clarity, and give you tools to communicate more deeply, heal past wounds, and build more loving, secure relationships.

Relationships are hard work; intimate relationships even more so!

You want to improve things, to stop the fighting, miscommunication, distance, and lack of intimacy, but it can oftentimes seem like you are getting stuck in a spiral and are not able to break out of it.

Your relationship can improve with couples therapy

Couples therapy is a time to interrupt the negative patterns of interactions, develop a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner, and build new positive cycles in your relationship.
Through this process, you'll learn new ways to communicate and resolve differences.

marriage counseling can help you learn to

- Communicate more effectively
- Feel more seen, heard, and understood (and do the same for your spouse!)
- Handle conflict in a way which leads to beneficial solutions (and not more distance and resentment)
- Improve your sexual relationship
- Build greater intimacy
- Heal past wounds from your relationship

Emotionally-Focused therapy (EFT)

I primarily use EFT when working with couples because of how impactful and healing the work can be.
EFT has been proven effective through decades of research and practical application, and the benefits usually last long after graduating therapy. Research outcomes according to a meta analysis show that 90% of couples who participate in EFT report improvements in their relationship, and 70-75% move from distress to recovery.

To learn more about EFT, click the link below for an excerpt from a book by the founder of the model, Sue Johnson:

• Read here

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Frequently asked questions

I have a great relationship with my spouse, and would just like to work out something specific. Is couples therapy still for me?

Absolutely! There are times when people come to therapy as a last-ditch effort to save the marriage, but that is not the only time couples therapy is useful.
Couples therapy can be extremely beneficial for couples who have a strong, beautiful relationship, and would like to work through specific areas to make their relationship even better.
In fact, therapy can feel smoother and yield quicker results when you are coming in simply for a tune up.However, regardless of why or when you are coming, I use evidence-based practices which have proven results.

How often should I come to therapy?

The research on the efficacy of therapy has shown that the consistency of once a week sessions creates the framework for the most effective therapy, and allows us to build on each session.
As clients see progress, we often begin to taper down on therapy, doing biweekly or monthly before graduating.

How long will therapy take?

Ah, the million dollar question :)
The amount of time you spend in therapy depends on many factors, including the reasons for coming, how rigid the dynamics in your relationship are (for couples therapy), and what other factors play into the challenges you want to work through.
With that said, my hope is that after 6-10 consistent sessions, you should be starting to develop more clarity and see progress.For discernment counseling, which is 1-5 sessions, therapy is shorter and progress is likewise more condensed.

Where will we meet?

I offer in-person session in Queens, or virtual sessions throughout New York.

What is your fee?

My session fee is $200 for individual sessions, and $225 for couples sessions.Many couples who work with me prefer extended sessions, and find that they make progress quicker when having more time to process and resolve challenging dynamics.
If you would be interested in a longer session, please contact me so we can discuss what will be best for you.

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Are you or your spouse considering divorce?

Oftentimes in thinking about such a change, one partner is more interested in divorcing, and the other wants to work through the challenges. Discernment counseling is a chance to slow down in a very stressful period, and take a look at your options for your marriage.

What is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling helps you gain clarity on whether to try to restore your marriage to health, move toward divorce, or take a pause to make a decision later.The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.This is not the time to solve your marital problems, but to slow down and see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. THERE ARE NO bad guys and good guys!You will come in to discernment sessions as a couple, but the bulk of the work will be in one-to-one conversations, where I will meet with each of you individually.Discernment counseling emphasizes the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends.

If you are thinking about divorce:

Discernment counseling can help you gain more clarity on what has happened in your relationship until now, and allow you to more fully explore the different options.

If you are trying to save the marriage:

Discernment counseling can help you identify the changes you can make to have the best chance and saving and improving your marriage.

How do we know if discernment counseling is right for us?

Discernment counseling is tailored towards a very specific category of couples, where one partner is interested in working on the relationship, and one partner isn't sure if they want to stay married.
If both partners are fully committed to doing the work, traditional marriage therapy is the way to go.
On the flip side, if one partner is 100% convinced that they want a divorce, discernment counseling is not the right choice. (However, even slight uncertainty can make you a good candidate for this work!)
Discernment counseling is not meant for situations where there is active violence or coercion.

How long is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling is a very short term therapy lasting 1-5 sessions. The first session is 2 hours, and subsequent sessions are 90 minutes.
During each session, some of the time is spent with both of you together, and some is individual work.

What are your rates?

The first 2 hour session is $425, and the subsequent 90 minute sessions are $350.

Is discernment counseling worth the investment?

Couples who engage in this work, regardless of the outcome, share how worthwhile they found the process to be.
Partners who decide to work on their relationship at the end of the process find that work to be much more effective after going through discernment counseling.
Those who decide to divorce report that discernment counseling gave them much more closure than they would have had otherwise, as well as giving greater clarity on the things they each contributed to the dynamics in this relationship (which helps prevent those patterns from repeating themselves in future relationships).

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Something is causing you to feel stuck

Maybe you are struggling with anxiety, maybe you are having challenges in relationships, maybe you are dealing with changes in your life. One thing is clear: you want things to be different, to show up differently, and you aren't sure how to go about that.

I've helped adults struggling with

- Anxiety or depression
- Transitions (moves, relationship changes, job changes)
- Relationship challenges
- Being emotionally open in relationships
- Ambivalence or uncertainty in relationships
- The impact of past experiences
- Wanting to better understand parts of themselves

You have the wisdom inside of you

Our work together will be about supporting you, based off of your current circumstances and needs. Through our work, I will help you access and cultivate your inner resources.

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Dear Therapist,

I generally have a great relationship with my husband. Recently, however, I’ve been going through a rough patch at work. I’ve been noticing that when I vent to my husband, he starts out very supportive but ends up getting overwhelmed pretty quickly. I've started to feel hesitant to share anything with him, and instead find myself telling him that everything is fine all the time, even though it feels wrong to me. What is the best way to go about this?

Response:

It sounds like you feel stuck between wanting to share and be supported, and shutting down emotionally so as not to overwhelm him. What a tough place!
I would like to help you and your husband find a way of connecting that feels mutually satisfying and provides security for both of you. It's so normal to, like you said in the question, go to what we call in therapy "all or nothing thinking", which means thinking along the lines of either I continue doing what I'm doing, or I stop sharing at all. However, the solution usually lies somewhere in between.

I have a few questions for you to think about to better assess the dynamic in these situations and increase clarity about next steps.

Firstly, when you vent to your husband, what does that look like for both of you? Do you start talking as soon as you both have a minute? Do you only speak at night, or when the kids are out or sleeping? Do you have some alone time prior to conversations? Do you check in with him about his day and then share, or start sharing first? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but they are important to keep in mind because oftentimes, spouses have differing preferences and expect their partner’s preferences to be the same.

Secondly, I wonder what it means when your husband gets overwhelmed. Does he agree that he is overwhelmed? Sometimes we can think that our partner is feeling one way, when in fact they have a very different perspective. If that is the case, then I would like for you to both come to more clarity on what is happening in those moments. If it turns out that you are both on the same page, I'd like you to pinpoint what makes you notice that he is getting overwhelmed. Does his body language or tone of voice change? Slowing down by identifying subtle shifts can help you decide when to share, when to check in, and when to hold off for another time.

However, what is more important is how you perceive your husband's overwhelm.

When people's behaviors impact us, we create meaning about them, the situation, and ourselves. For example, if you are walking down the street and slip on a wrapper, the meaning can be: "someone was so irresponsible to throw this on the floor" (about the other person), "This neighborhood is so dirty" (about the situation), and "I'm so clumsy" (about yourself). The meaning we create in all 3 of these areas contributes a lot to our responses. In the example I gave, these meanings can lead to feeling angry or tiptoeing down the rest of the block. It sounds like you are thinking about not sharing with your husband at all. I wonder what meaning you created around him being overwhelmed, if that plays a role in the conclusions you are thinking about, and how you can challenge those meanings.

Lastly, it can be helpful to explore your general communication patterns.

As partners, do you and your husband share minor frustrations as they come up, or hold off until things get big and then there is no way to hold it in? Do you acknowledge frustrations within yourself? Do you feel comfortable sharing with others, or does it feel like you are being a burden to others by sharing? Or, on the other end of the spectrum, do you feel like you most connect with others specifically when sharing challenges? Again, there are no right or wrong answers to any of these questions, I just want you to get a better sense of how your communication styles are playing out here.

My hope is that as you work through these questions and gain clarity, other options besides shutting down will start to come to you, and you will start to find the sweet spot for you and your husband in these moments.

Dear Therapist,

I recently got engaged to a woman who is everything I could’ve ever wanted! We’re currently in a long-distance relationship, and we have a long engagement because of our work schedules. While we were dating, I was able to visit her much more often than she could visit me because my job was more flexible than hers. However, my work will become more demanding over the next few months, so we won’t be able to see each other in person much, which means we’ll only be connecting virtually.

The issue is, I often feel awkward and not like myself on phone and video calls, and it’s starting to affect our connection. My fiancé’s mentioned that she feels the strain too, and I hate that my discomfort is making things harder. Once we’re married, she’ll move here and things will settle down, but I want to make sure we’re building a strong foundation now.
How can I get past my awkwardness and maintain a close bond with her during this time?

Response:

First of all, congratulations! Engagement can be a really exciting time, and brings with it a whole slew of challenges (and challenging feelings) as well. Add long distance to the equation, and it’s safe to say that the intensity of the feelings probably increases.

A helpful skill in all relationships, especially during stressful times, is expressing yourself openly, clearly, and effectively.

It’s common to feel less comfortable sharing more difficult feelings at this stage in your relationship. On the flipside, as both of you improve this skill, your connection will feel that much stronger.

If you’ve shared your discomfort already, kudos to you! However, the communication skill that I am advising is a bit more nuanced. If you haven’t already, start by identifying what is going on for you underneath the surface. Oftentimes, feeling awkward and uncomfortable covers up underlying fears- fear of not getting this long distance thing “right”, or fear of not being fully accepted. It can also mask feelings of sadness or frustration due to the circumstances you are both facing during such a pivotal time in your relationship. Maybe there are other feelings as well.

Once you start to have a better grasp on what is going on for you emotionally, the next step is to share that with your fiancé. These feelings and needs are very tender and it’s normal to be hesitant to share some of them. I’d recommend starting slowly, sharing a little at a time, and gauging her response.

This is an opportunity for you to establish strong communication patterns from the get go.

Just like you, your fiancé likely has her own emotional reactions to the challenges you are both facing. Even though it can be so hard to see our partner having a negative reaction to something we do, I want you to enter the conversation with curiosity, and not defensiveness, about her perspective.

Relationships are a dynamic dance, and the more you can understand each other’s perspectives, the more clearly you can see the dynamics at play between both of you. Having that clarity and understanding of each other can help your nervous systems feel more attuned, and in turn, make problem-solving much easier and more effective.

When your fiancé shares her feelings, try to make it your single-minded focus to understand her experience.

I like to think of this approach like a mirror. When you look in a mirror, you just see whatever you put in front of it, and nothing more or less. Often, when we respond to others, we process their words through our own perspective- considering if they feel true, the emotions we feel, and so on- before responding. This is useful in many situations, because it helps us evaluate and discern. However, with your partner, especially in moments of heightened tension, it can be really helpful to respond as a mirror would. Instead of filtering her words through your own feelings and then responding with explanations, trying to end the conversation, or escalation, keep your focus on simply reflecting her perspective (and extra credit if you can also express to her how you can see that her feelings make sense!).

While it might seem paradoxical, fully listening and mirroring your fiancé’s feelings helps her feel understood and comforted. This builds greater connection, allowing you both to feel more compassion, deepen understanding, and ultimately work together more effectively to solve problems as a team.

This type of conversation will probably be easier to have in person, especially because of your discomfort over phone or video. However, if travel isn’t an option now, try to figure out what mode of communication feels most comfortable to you and have the conversation there. It is also helpful to set clear intentions around what is being discussed and share feelings of connection throughout the conversation (such as “I miss being closer” or “I want to understand each other better”).

Adding Rituals

John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, emphasizes the benefits of creating rituals of connection. Rituals are consistent ways that you both consciously choose to strengthening your relationship. These can include ways that you greet each other on the phone, plan for the future, or how you express overwhelm during tough conversations. The benefit of establishing rituals in your situation is twofold- firstly, having a set ritual oftentimes reduces feelings of awkwardness, and more importantly, it can help you nurture the sense of togetherness.

The engagement period is the beginning of laying the groundwork for your marriage and creating a joint identity (in addition to your own individual identities). The challenge that you are facing navigating this long-distance phase with the discomfort it brings is also an invitation to strengthen the foundation for the rest of your lives.
The vulnerability, trust, and responsiveness that you are working to build now, along with the rituals you create, will prepare you both for a strong marriage and is the best gift you can give your future selves!

Dear Therapist,

My wife and I are struggling with household chores. I do my best to help—cooking, cleaning, managing the kids—but it never seems to be enough. She continues to say that she feels overwhelmed and at the end of the day, it all falls on her, no matter how much I do. It also feels like we’re keeping score—who did what and who did more. I’m frustrated and I want us to be a team like we used to be. How do we break out of this cycle?

Response:

Ah, the blessings and challenges of running a busy household. I presume that there are many different areas in both of your lives that you are trying to juggle. I also presume that unless you are in business together, this is probably the main shared responsibility. It makes sense that it can lead to tension.

I will divide up your question into two parts:

First that despite your efforts, your wife feels an imbalance, and second that you are stuck in the cycle of keeping score where no one wins.

To address the first part, couples often come into relationships with expectations about how things should run, because of what they grew up with. However, one person’s family of origin may have focused strongly on one area, while another person’s family prioritized something completely different. These expectations lead to frustration when they remain unnoticed. If either of you notice any feelings come up when your spouse does something around the house in a different way than you’d like it, use that as an alert to check in with yourself and identify if you have any expectations that may differ from your partner.

Mental Load

There are two parts of household chores: one is completing tasks, and one is the mental aspects of remembering to do it, asking for help with it, and planning when and how often it needs to be done. It can be that you are doing more physical chores, but less of the mental labor. If that is the case, I’d recommend you sitting down and having a conversation where you divide up household responsibilities- not by tasks, but by who is responsible for ensuring that the chores get completed. One great resource for having this conversation is Fair Play, which is a deck of cards that gamifies this discussion.

Emotional Needs

If despite trying the ideas mentioned above, you find that this issues continues to come up, it may be that your emotional needs are getting tied up in the conversations about the chores. If that is the case, it is helpful to understand what is happening under the surface as well.

I can imagine that it wouldn’t feel good to try and try and exert yourself to help, and feel like no matter how much you try, it isn’t enough. What comes up for you when you see that your wife is still overwhelmed despite your best efforts? How does it land internally when you help out while you have the feeling that it never seems to be enough? Equally importantly, what do you do when those thoughts or feelings come up for you? Do you work extra hard? Slow down in your efforts? Express those feelings verbally or non-verbally? Or simply shut down?

Similarly with your wife, what makes her feel like it falls on her? Overwhelm (like all feelings) ebbs and flows. What increases the overwhelm for her? How does your help and frustration about it not being enough impact her? And how does she respond in those moments?

Keeping Score

This leads me to the second part of your question, the fact that you both keep score. Keeping score is usually a symptom of feeling imbalance in the relationship, unacknowledged effort, or unmet expectations. From what you shared, all of those things seem to be playing a role in your situation. Like you said in your question, when couples start to keep score, it can feel like one person is the "judge" and the other is the "defendant," which creates distance instead of connection.

If you look at my list of questions to understand what is going on for each of you in the moment, you can see a theme- the chores are on the surface, and below it there can be a whole slew of emotions and needs. The goal in acknowledging and verbalizing the emotions is separating the emotions from the chores. There can and should be conversations around dividing up tasks, but it gets very hard to have productive conversations when tasks and emotional needs are conflated.

Mindset Shifts

In addition to this, there are several other mindset shifts that can help you as a couple move away from keeping score. Firstly, training your mind to move from defensive to curious will lower the intensity of tit-for-tat behavior. When you can remind yourself that you both care about each other and have each other’s best intentions in mind, you can start to be curious about your wife’s behavior instead of put on the defense.

It can also be helpful to remember that a goal in running a house is teamwork, not fairness. The goal is not 50/50; the goal is for each of you to work to your strengths and support each other.

Last, and most important, is gratitude! Noticing the ways your partner enhances your life on a regular basis (I believe partners should keep private journals where they regularly write small things that their spouse did that brought them joy) automatically takes the energy out of score keeping.

As you have experienced, navigating household responsibilities can be tricky. Through reminders that you both want the best for each other and having conversations with openness, curiosity, and appreciation, this challenge can be an opportunity to build greater connection and cultivate a stronger sense of teamwork.

When you hear the statement: “we're getting divorced”, does that mean that both partners are in agreement?

Let’s take a hypothetical couple, Joe and Rachel. They have gone to couples therapy, but despite trying a few different therapists, the therapy wasn’t gaining traction, and their relationship wasn’t improving.

Hard pause right here.

There can be many reasons for relationships not improving, but one that I always want to rule out is if the couple has differing agendas.

As a couples therapist, I often see the misconception that when couples come for therapy, they both want to work on things (and if it isn’t going well, one of the parties is at fault). In reality, it can be that both partners are coming with opposing goals (which haven’t been acknowledged). In the scenario I mentioned, Joe’s agenda may have been to do whatever it takes to salvage the marriage, while Rachel’s energy may have been focused on trying to decide what she wanted to do with the relationship, and not on the hard work of changing dynamics. Neither partner was “sabotaging” the work, they were just coming from very different places.

Just like in couples therapy, once the divorce process starts, many people believe that both partners have accepted the end of the marriage. Similarly, this is often not the case.

The research

Several studies have been done with couples who were far into the divorce process. The research points to the fact that at least one third of people going through divorce are either ambivalent or do not want to get divorced. In 2011, a research study came out with findings that about 25% of divorcing parents believed that their marriage could be salvaged, and about 30% were interested in trying to work towards reconciliation (see Doherty, Peterson, and Willoughby).

If these studies are done while people are well into the divorce process, we can imagine how many people decide to divorce without confidence about the decision. Many couples who reach this stage have one partner who is more interested in a divorce, and one partner who is less interested. Neither are certain. After all, because the effects of divorce are so wide reaching and can impact so much, it makes sense that people often approach it with hesitancy.

Many couples decide to get divorced feeling blindfolded.

Often (although not always), couples will first try couples therapy, which is geared towards improving the relationship.When Rachel comes into therapy unsure about investing in the relationship, couples therapy will be much less effective. Seeing that therapy isn’t as helpful as they would want, it may lead her to believe that in fact, there is no hope, and decide to get divorced.The tragedy of scenarios such as this is that there hasn’t been real exploration to determine if it is the right decision. Divorce is hard and painful. It is even harder without being fully confident in the decision.

Discernment counseling is a clearing between halfhearted divorce and halfhearted couples therapy.

The goals for this work are looking at yourself and your marriage to develop more clarity in a decision. It helps bridge the gap of what I call “halfhearted-ness”, so that either you decide to work on your relationship with the knowledge that you and your partner are fully invested in the work, or you feel more confident going through the process of divorce.

Let's bring this back to Joe And Rachel.

As they were getting frustrated with couples therapy, they stumbled across discernment counseling. Like many similar couples, they felt immediate relief having a name and option for what they were going through.They began a course of discernment counseling, where Rachel developed a greater understanding of the dynamics which led her marriage to this point, her role in the dynamics, and was able to look at her options through a broader lens. Joe’s experience focused on better understanding his role in their patterns and being coached on how to show up to give the marriage the best fighting chance from his end.

Success in discernment counseling

A successful course of discernment counseling isn’t about whether the couple divorces or stays together; it’s about the couple developing a greater understanding of what they each need for their own healing and greater clarity on their next steps in their relationship. Having that clarity helps couples either jumpstart their work in couple’s therapy or helps them have a more amicable, smoother divorce.

Joe and Rachel ultimately decided that they want to try to work things out. They spent their last discernment session writing a list of what they each want to work on individually to improve their relationship. Although their journey has just begun, they are entering the work with confidence, hope, and a determination to doing everything they can to improve their marriage.

Writing

I write a relationship column for The Jewish Home, and have published articles on topics including:

– Communication
– Helping couples on the brink
– Finding a therapist
– Relational safety
– EFT couples therapy
– Strategies to help in relationships

Read selected articles I've written here:

• Articles

I welcome opportunities to contribute articles or collaborate on mental health writing projects.

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Speaking

I present CEU-eligible trainings for mental health professionals through organizations approved to grant continuing education credits.Topics include:
– Maintaining Professional Boundaries During Challenging Situations
– Navigating Ethical Dilemmas in Couples TherapyMy presentations blend clinical rigor with practical application, and I maintain a strong emphasis on practical application.

I’m available to speak with professional audiences and community groups on topics such as:
– Couples unsure about staying together
– Helping couples improve their relationships
– Finding a therapist
– Boundaries, self-of-therapist work, and clinical decision-makingI combine warmth, clarity, and practical knowledge in my speeches. Courses and workshops involve participation and are largely experiential.

Interested in bringing a training to your group or organization?

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Case consultation

I offer clinical supervision and case consultation for therapists seeking support in:– Couples therapy
– Self-of-therapist work
– Navigating complex relational dynamics
– Transference/countertransference
– Developing confidence with boundaries and ethics
– Working from a relational lensI welcome early-career and seasoned therapists alike and am available for one-time consultations or ongoing supervision.

If you’re a therapist interested in working together:

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